Take a bath.
Buy yourself something nice.
Book a massage.
Take a vacation.
Light a candle.
Put on your favorite music.
We’ve been told that these are the things that help us take care of ourselves.
And they can.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a relaxing bath, a massage, a beautiful dinner, or a weekend away.
But what if you could do all of those things and still be abandoning yourself?
That’s the part of self-care we don’t talk about nearly enough.
Because sometimes what looks like self-care is actually self-distraction.
Sometimes we’re not caring for ourselves.
We’re creating enough comfort and activity that we don’t have to listen to what we’re actually feeling.
And if you’ve spent years disconnecting from your needs, emotions, boundaries, or desires, that distinction matters.
Self-Care Isn’t Just About Feeling Better
Let’s be clear: feeling better matters.
Rest matters.
Pleasure matters.
Fun matters.
Your nervous system deserves opportunities to slow down. But true self-care goes deeper than doing things that temporarily make you feel good. Sometimes taking care of yourself means doing something that is uncomfortable.
It might mean:
- Saying no.
- Having the conversation you’ve been avoiding.
- Asking for help.
- Leaving a situation that isn’t healthy for you.
- Setting a boundary.
- Going to bed instead of continuing to take care of everyone else. (Or reading for an hour or two, like me.)
- Admitting you’re hurt.
- Telling someone what you actually need.
- Making a decision that disappoints someone else.
Those things may not feel relaxing. But they can be profoundly caring.
Because self-care isn’t simply asking:
“What would make me feel better right now?”
Sometimes the more important question is:
“What would help me take better care of myself in the long run?”
What Does Self-Abandonment Actually Look Like?
Self-abandonment doesn’t necessarily look dramatic. It can be incredibly ordinary.
It can look like saying:“It’s fine.”
when it isn’t.
It can look like:
“I don’t want to make a big deal out of it.”
when something really matters to you.
It can look like:
“I’ll deal with it later.”
when you know you’re already overwhelmed.
It can look like constantly caring for everyone else’s needs while telling yourself you don’t need anything.
The common thread is this:
You repeatedly override your own inner experience.
Your feelings.
Your needs.
Your limits.
Your values.
Your desires.
Eventually, you can become so accustomed to overriding yourself that you don’t even realize you’re doing it.
Three Ways Self-Care Can Become Avoidance
1. You Use Comfort to Avoid a Conversation
You’ve had a difficult day. You’re upset with your partner. Something has been bothering you for weeks. But instead of talking about it, you decide you need “self-care.”
You take a bath.
Watch a show.
Order your favorite meal.
Scroll through social media.
And for the moment, you feel better. There’s nothing inherently wrong with any of those things. The problem is when they become a substitute for addressing what actually needs your attention.
Sometimes the most caring thing you can do for yourself is say:
“This conversation is uncomfortable, but I need to have it.”
2. You Use Busyness to Avoid What You Feel
Some people don’t relax when they’re overwhelmed.
They become more productive. (This girl right here, this is me. I do this.)
They clean.
Organize.
Work.
Exercise.
Take care of everyone.
Make lists.
Solve problems.
Being productive can feel wonderful because it gives you something you can control. But sometimes constant activity is a way of avoiding stillness. Because stillness gives your feelings room to speak. And you may not want to hear what they’re saying.
You might discover:
“I’m angry.”
“I’m lonely.”
“I’m resentful.”
“I’m exhausted.”
“I don’t want this anymore.”
“I need something to change.”
Those realizations aren’t always comfortable. But they are information. (Everything is information, right?!)
And you can’t make meaningful changes based on information you refuse to hear.
3. You Confuse Treating Yourself With Taking Care of Yourself
This is perhaps the most subtle one.
You buy yourself something.
Have the wine.
Book the trip.
Get your nails done.
Eat the dessert.
And tell yourself:
“I’m taking care of me.”
Maybe you are.
But maybe you’re also using a reward to compensate for a life that isn’t meeting your deeper needs.
There is nothing wrong with pleasure.
But pleasure can’t permanently replace:
- Connection
- Safety
- Boundaries
- Rest
- Authenticity
- Meaning
- Emotional intimacy
Sometimes the thing you actually need can’t be purchased.
It needs to be acknowledged.
The Question That Changes Everything
Instead of asking only:
“What can I do to make myself feel better?”
Try asking:
“What am I actually needing right now?”
The answer might surprise you.
Maybe you need rest.
Maybe you need reassurance.
Maybe you need to say no.
Maybe you need connection.
Maybe you need space.
Maybe you need to cry.
Maybe you need to ask for help.
Maybe you need to admit that something you’ve been tolerating isn’t working anymore.
Or maybe you simply need someone to listen.
This is where the relationship you have with yourself becomes so important.
You cannot care for needs you don’t recognize.
Real Self-Care Requires Self-Connection
This is why I don’t think self-care should begin with a checklist.
It begins with listening.
Before asking:
“What should I do for myself?”
Ask:
“What is happening inside me right now?”
Then listen without immediately trying to fix it.
That’s harder than it sounds.
Many of us were taught to move quickly past uncomfortable emotions.
We’re told to:
- Cheer up.
- Look on the bright side.
- Be grateful.
- Stay positive.
- Get over it.
But emotions aren’t problems that need to be eliminated.
They’re information.
Your anger may be telling you a boundary has been crossed.
Your exhaustion may be telling you you’ve been giving more than you have available.
Your resentment may be telling you you’ve been saying yes when you mean no.
Your sadness may be telling you something important is missing.
Your anxiety may be telling you that something doesn’t feel safe or aligned.
Listening doesn’t mean every feeling should dictate your behavior.
It means you’re willing to hear the message before deciding what to do with it.
What Healthy Self-Care Actually Looks Like
Healthy self-care can absolutely include the things we typically associate with it.
Take the bath.
Book the massage.
Go for the walk.
Have the quiet morning.
Enjoy the dinner.
Take the vacation.
But don’t stop there.
Healthy self-care also asks you to participate in your own life.
It might mean:
Knowing your limits
You don’t wait until you’re completely depleted before admitting you need rest.
Expressing your needs
You stop expecting people to guess what you need.
Setting boundaries
You recognize that protecting your time, energy, and emotional wellbeing isn’t cruel.
Allowing yourself to disappoint people
Someone else’s disappointment doesn’t automatically mean you’ve done something wrong.
Keeping promises to yourself
You begin treating your own commitments with the same respect you give commitments to other people.
Making room for joy
Not productivity.
Not achievement.
Not usefulness.
Joy.
You allow yourself to do things simply because they make you feel alive.
What If You Don’t Know What You Need?
This is where many people get stuck.
They read something like this and think:
“Okay. But I don’t know what I need.”
That’s okay.
You don’t have to figure it all out at once.
Start with noticing.
Instead of asking:
“What do I need?”
try:
“What am I feeling?”
Then:
“What might this feeling be telling me?”
Then:
“What would support me right now?”
You are rebuilding a relationship.
And like any relationship, it takes time to learn how to listen to one another.
Return to Self Reflection
Before you move on with your day, pause.
Put down your phone.
Take a breath.
And ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
Then ask:
What might this feeling be trying to tell me?
And finally:
What is one small act of self-care that would actually honor what I need—not simply distract me from it?
Don’t judge the answer.
You don’t have to act on it immediately.
Just listen.
Sometimes returning to yourself begins with nothing more complicated than finally hearing yourself again.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between self-care and self-abandonment?
Self-care involves recognizing and responding to your genuine needs. Self-abandonment involves repeatedly ignoring, overriding, or minimizing those needs. An activity can look like self-care on the outside while functioning as avoidance on the inside.
Can self-care become unhealthy?
Yes. Self-care becomes unhelpful when it is consistently used to avoid emotions, difficult conversations, necessary boundaries, or decisions that require attention. The activity itself isn’t necessarily the problem; the function it serves can be.
How do I know if I’m avoiding my feelings?
Ask yourself whether the activity is helping you process and respond to what you’re experiencing or simply helping you avoid thinking about it. If you repeatedly feel the same unresolved emotion once the distraction ends, there may be something asking for your attention.
What is self-abandonment in a relationship?
Self-abandonment in a relationship can involve ignoring your needs, suppressing your feelings, avoiding boundaries, or consistently prioritizing your partner’s comfort over your own wellbeing. It can happen even in relationships where there is love and no obvious abuse.
You Don’t Need to Escape Yourself to Take Care of Yourself
Self-care isn’t about creating a life where you never feel uncomfortable.
It’s about creating a relationship with yourself where you know you won’t abandon yourself when discomfort arrives.
Sometimes you’ll need rest.
Sometimes you’ll need pleasure.
Sometimes you’ll need connection.
And sometimes you’ll need to have the conversation you’ve been avoiding.
All of those can be self-care.
The question isn’t simply:
“What feels good?”
It’s:
“What is kind, honest, and supportive of the person I am becoming?”
Because caring for yourself isn’t about becoming more selfish.
It’s about becoming more connected to yourself.
And when you stop abandoning yourself, you begin showing up differently everywhere else.
In your relationships.
In your work.
In your friendships.
And most importantly, in the relationship you have with yourself.
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Your relationship with yourself deserves your attention, too.
You don’t have to earn the right to take care of yourself.